pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
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People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
#DesignFail
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.