If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
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If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Webb. James Webb.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?