I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
This is my emotional support knife.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]