[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.