barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store