{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
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Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
dam girl
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.