Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*