*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
called in thicc to work this morning
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience