I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
bugs when you lift up a rock
A double negative is a big no-no.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.