*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
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*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
How do dragons blow out candles?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Jurassic park gets weird
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.