My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.