you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁