Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Muppet Screams
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.