HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
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Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.