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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.