were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.