[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️