5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
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A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.