Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.