If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
You Might Also Like
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.