I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?