Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Look at this
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Brother?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.