This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.