therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
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Ain’t no way
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!