Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
rise and shine we got egg
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Actually cracking up @ this
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs