WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Got ya covered
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles