<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
This is enough internet for the day.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit