me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
You Might Also Like
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?