Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
selena gomez
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality