it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Hot Hot Hot
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.