My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.