I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.