since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
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God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*cough*
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto