Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
You Might Also Like
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My beach vacation Google searches
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Watson was Holmes schooled
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.