Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.