My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.