[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.