Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito