<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
#Caturday
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY