Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking