Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks