Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.