It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’m not wrong
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.