The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
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[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”