CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.