Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.