Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
How to draw a duck
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.