I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.