Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
sin harder.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.