I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
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i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.