I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
You Might Also Like
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia